From Telegram to X: CIA’s Epic Social Media Strategy to Recruit Russians

 

     The CIA recruiting Russians to be spies for the U.S.? You’ve got to give it to the agency for bringing some serious creativity and American ingenuity into the world of espionage. Let’s face it, while Putin’s cronies are busy parading around Moscow, planning parades, and probably buying bearskin hats, the CIA has been quietly launching a virtual recruitment campaign. And not just any campaign—a social media blitz!

     Yes, you heard that right. The CIA has dropped its third video in a series aimed at recruiting disillusioned Russians. You know, the folks in Russia who are tired of the whole "we're always right, even when we're obviously wrong" leadership. The message is simple: “Hey, if you’re fed up with your boss, why not come work for us? We’re a much cooler global superpower, and guess what? We might even help you save your country from... well, the current dictatorship."

     These videos are essentially recruitment pitches to Russians who are thinking, “Surely there’s more to life than wearing fur hats and pretending to love this regime, right?” Set to some epic instrumental music—because you know the CIA has to bring that Hollywood flair—the latest video features a fictional Russian official quoting Tolstoy (because nothing screams 'serious' like Russian literature) and dreaming of a brighter future for his son. And the kicker? It ends with instructions on how to contact the CIA securely. Because nothing says "we’re the real deal" like making it easy for you to join the ranks of international espionage from the comfort of your couch.

     According to the CIA, these videos have racked up over 2.1 million views on platforms like Telegram, Facebook, TInstagram, and X (which is what Twitter calls itself these days because it’s apparently going through an identity crisis).

     People are watching, and they’re reaching out—though, of course, the CIA isn't spilling the beans on how many Russians are signing up or how credible their resumes are. Can you imagine those cover letters?

     Now, Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov, ever the loyal mouthpiece, dismissed the whole effort with the kind of confidence that only comes from knowing no one will disagree with you in public. “Intelligence agencies use social media to recruit all the time,” Peskov muttered, probably while glancing nervously over his shoulder. 

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      Then, in a truly spectacular show of “miss-the-point-ism,” he went on to mock the CIA for putting the videos on platforms like X, which are banned in Russia. “VKontakte is where it’s at,” Peskov bragged, referring to Russia’s own social media network. Right, because Russians are definitely rushing to spill state secrets on VKontakte. Sure, Dmitry.

     So, you know that while the CIA is busy dropping recruitment videos like they’re the latest Netflix series, Russian leaders are not enjoying this American popcorn moment. Imagine the scenes in Moscow right now—high-level meetings full of red-faced officials, overfilled vodka glasses, and heaping plates of pelmeni (Russian dumplings) and borscht (because stress-eating is universal). These guys aren’t happy, and it shows.

     Let’s start with the Russian Foreign Ministry. I picture them sitting around a dimly lit, smoky room, vodka shots of Beluga Noble in hand, trying to downplay the CIA’s recruitment videos while clearly sweating bullets. Sure, they call it “propaganda,” but it’s hard to deny that these videos are hitting a little too close to home.

     Between bites of shashlik (grilled meat skewers), they’re muttering, "First, the CIA recruits with Tolstoy. What’s next? They’ll try Dostoevsky and take our souls, too!" They know these videos are hitting real frustrations among the Russian people, and it’s got them gulping down that Stolichnaya a bit faster than usual.

     Then there’s the State Duma—Russia’s answer to Congress, but with more fur hats and, possibly, a lot more grumbling. Now, these guys are genuinely irritated. Instead of drowning their annoyance in food, they’ve turned to a more... traditional approach: complaining while adjusting their medals.

     Between loud rants about the CIA’s sneaky tactics and “How dare they?” speeches, you can hear the occasional clinking of those medals as they shuffle their seats. One representative shouts, “Do they think they can buy loyalty with a Tolstoy quote and an encrypted link?!” They laugh it off in public, but behind the scenes, their frustrated medal-polishing is a clear giveaway that they’re feeling the heat.

     Finally, there’s the FSB, Russia’s version of the FBI—but with more trench coats and cryptic stares. No vodka here, just serious business. The FSB is probably sitting around a boardroom, practicing their most intimidating glares while pulling out endless stacks of old Soviet spy manuals.

     In between flipping through classified files, they’re likely muttering, “We can’t have ordinary Russians getting any funny ideas,” while perfecting their ‘disapproving nod.’ These guys aren’t about snacking or drinking. Nope, they’re laser-focused on ensuring Russian loyalty, practicing their handshakes in case they ever meet their American counterparts, and clutching their ancient spy gear like it’s a relic of a golden age.

     The FSB spies may not issue public statements, but the frustration is palpable as they scramble to keep up with the CIA’s tech-savvy recruitment efforts.

     While the CIA racks up views and hopes to pull a few Russian insiders into the fold, the Kremlin’s finest are reacting in their own unique ways. The Foreign Ministry is tossing back vodka and grilling shashlik like it’s a national sport. Over at the State Duma, they’re polishing medals and loudly complaining between dramatic gestures. And the FSB? Well, they’re dusting off their Soviet-era spy manuals, perfecting their disapproving glares, and working on their handshake techniques. Because, let’s be honest, nothing says "we’re panicking" like critiquing recruitment videos while trying to keep up appearances with a healthy dose of Russian indignation.

     The CIA may be playing it cool, but it looks like the Russian response could easily fuel an entire season of a Kremlin-based soap opera.

     I’ve got an idea—let’s get Hollywood in on this! A daily Russian soap opera about how the CIA recruits civilians via social media. Picture it: dramatic music, lingering close-ups of Tolstoy quotes, and endless suspense as Russians secretly log into CIA servers while snacking on shashlik. The perfect title? "From Russia with Likes: The Spy Next Door." It’s got Emmy written all over it!

     At the end of the day, it seems like the CIA’s recruitment effort is doing more than just getting clicks—it’s giving Russia’s top brass indigestion and maybe even a bit of a hangover. 

     But here’s the kicker—the CIA isn’t backing down. CIA Director William Burns, who has been to Kyiv more times than Putin's PR guy can count, called the war in Ukraine a "once-in-a-generation" opportunity to recruit Russian spies. According to Burns, the agency is "open for business" and ready to give disillusioned Russians a shot at something better—perhaps a life where their leaders don’t pretend not to notice when their country is sinking deeper into authoritarian rule.

     So, if you’re sitting in Moscow, wondering why your life feels like a never-ending loop of Soviet nostalgia and questionable leadership decisions, don’t worry. The CIA’s got your back. They’re just a secure online connection away, waiting with open arms and probably a recruitment bonus that even your state salary can’t beat.

     It’s truly a modern spy game. And honestly, isn’t it nice to see the good old CIA using a little bit of American charm to outwit the bear? 

Robert Morton is a member of the Association of Former Intelligence Officers (AFIO) and the author of the "Corey Pearson- CIA Spymaster" spy thriller series. Check out his latest spy thriller, Misson of Vengeance.